heart swell

tonite an old friend wrote me, and made my heart swell (that's a good thing ~ though it sounds medically unsound).

i'm in a mood where i want to gather all those who i feel i truly love together in one big group hug, where somehow i have my arms around each one of them at the same time, and whisper, thank you, thank you for being you and for letting me be me and for just loving the best you know how.

but then, i thought how i would love to have a thousand evenings to just sit with david and each one of them, by one's or twos and just soak up their presence and BE around them and try to make them know by my smiles and pats and gutteral sympathies and awkward and ill-timed phrases, that i love them.

i've been thinking, as usual, as i go about, about a billion and one other things i want to tell the world about, in a feeble attempt at helping them, whoever "they" are "understand", without loss of shine though i know my putting down the letters is mostly all for naught, for many or most, secret or not.

saturday i took a walk. in a woods. the divine spirit must've led me there.
i left the house with no intent on where to go, only knowing that i MUST drive, MUST get away, could not stand to be with myself and my family one more minute, not permanantly of course, but for at least something that felt like awhile. my soul felt like a rabid caged animal. it panted to be "free", simulated though that freedom may be.

i rammed down the gas pedal and drove as fast as i dared, straight east.
as i drove, a destination vaguely emerged in my mind. i listened to NPRs CarTalk, the sun shone in it's springy way and my heart lightened. i only had a vague notion of how to get where i though i was going. and in retrospect, i only Now realize that i should've turned left, instead of right to get there. but really, i think something outside/inside (?) of me guided my direction, some magnetic directional force.

i found the right place, called Stillwater Praire. a well tended group of trails, near a river, for pedestrian type hiking in a marvelous variety of wooded and praire setting that did my heart good. i walked. i sat in the sun and read entries in an old journal. i walked some more. i saw a tree turned beehive and was please at the humming of it's busy inhabitants, having recently been well educated on the lifestyle of bees spurned by yosie's interest in them.

i accidently, but decisively, took the path to the praire and was gifted with the privilege of making eye contact from a coyote (at a comfortable, but briefly heartstopping, distance). i happened upon a broken but beautiful clam shell on the edge of the praire path of all places. i felt that someone had left a token to help me understand my soul.

i found a bucolic pond just waiting for a lovers picnic and observed by squinting a bevy of turtles sunning themselves on a mossy log. i nearly parted with the shell, but ran back, up a steep hill, to retrieve it. i washed it in the river, led by a tiny frog.

i arrived back home, still a bit raw, as if scrubbed clean, but whole. i gave yosie the shell, as an apology gift. *sigh*

thirty: day 2

interruption in persuit of coffee...

peeking out: orange tied braid, pipe cleaner corsage made by yosie

in my "summer" dress ~ inspiration from a 4 yr old

is this a linden tree?

thrill of terror

my true loves

I stayed up waaay too late last night, for no good reason. I'm promising myself right now NOT to do that tonite...

This morning opening my eyes was a physically painful task, due to the abuse I did to them reading the internet last night.
Miraculously, coffee revived me and my day was remarkably energetic. I moved at first out of sheer determination that this day would not be an "I told you so" by felling me flat on my face.
Yosie and I had a smooth, cooperative morning. We both anticipated the warm weather and dressed cheerily. Yosie patiently allowed me to do her hair and spontaneously created a corsage-like "flower" for me out of pipecleaners. I proudly wore it in a buttonhole of my sweater all day.
Yosie followed through with returning some items to Mary, the daycaregiver, that she'd "borrowed" without asking. I lectured alot, seriously, but patiently. I think she got it, the 20% that was most critical... *sigh* I'm one of those parents.
We visited Mammaw, at Great Gma and Gpa's, where she lives for now. It was an indistinct, but ...good.. visit. Yosie was beguiled with inordinate amounts of candy and charmed us all with her coloring, writing her name, puzzle assembling, and doll-care skills. She told Gma that I've been doing yoga. Later, Gma asked me about it, and told me she wished she could do something like that. Picturing Gma doing yoga was...amusing. But, I believe she could. I still remember one winter when we were visiting for Christmas, I was probably around 8 or 9, and at bedtime she showed Kari and I how she could stand on her head. I was duly impressed.
Gma brought out an old scrapbook she'd re-discovered recently, full of old clippings about all kinds of interesting little events, many that happened long before I was born. It contained her admission form for pre-school, and her ration book, from the Depression, and clippings from her first haircut. There were newspaper articles about the automatic chicken feeders that were installed on the poultry farm that my Gpa co-owned (?) and a couple about the "famous" angel food cakes and noodles my Gma made and sold in mass quantities. It was special, getting to sit and browse through it with her at my side, explaining little things here and there. Near the end, my sister and I's graduation invitations were included, and newspaper clippings about our various little academic accomplishments.
Afterward, we drove back into the nearby small town where my sister and David work. I withdrew some cash at the bank so that I would be able to purchase Lunchable's at the small grocery across the corner, that does not accept credit or debit cards and check for purchases only >$20. On a day I've planned ahead and remembered the cash factor, it is charmingly old fashioned. We purchased our lunch items, the locals politely acknowledging (wordlessly) that we were "out of towners". Yosie was THRILLED with her Lunchable. We drove to the nearby park to meet David, and sat together on a bench and enjoyed our picnic in the unseasonably warm but a bit too windy be balmy air. After we ate, we played awhile, relishing having the whole playground to ourselves. Yosie squealed, giggled, and bossed us about good-naturedly. We all experienced the rush and thrill of going down the "MOE" slide. The sun smiled down.
On the drive home we finished listening to a children's chapter book on CD and I was pleased that Yosie seemed to really enjoy it. It finished as we waited in line at the car wash, back in Our Town, and she begged for another story about Jack and Annie and The Magic Tree House. I was happy to be able to oblige her.
Once the car was clean on the outside, I was eager for the inside to match. We drove to Dad's, and Yosie creatively entertained herself running what looked like an orphanage for all of Kari and I's old dolls, while I vaccuumed and wiped down the car. Yosie's diligence at playing and not unnecessarily interrupting my work, thus allowing me to finish promptly, was rewarded with an ice cream treat from Pappaw's well-stocked freezer.
At home, I took a breather and ate a snack, while she watched a 20min show. Her tiredness set us back and marred our day a bit when, in preparation for going back out to meet Aunt Kari, a temper tantrum over difficult shoelaces landed her in time out. Thankfully though, the dark clouds passed quickly and the fresh air revived us.
Playground and Burger King with aunt, uncle and cousin.
Then off to help Daddy finish setting up bookshop @ the coffeeshop. A satisfying completion, but we're all worn out.
I managed to read complete 1 and start a second of the Flannery O'Connor stories, by sneaking in some reading time during Y's morning and afternoon TV times. (Ironic?)
Earrings: Yosie admired Mammaw's today. I half expected her to express a desire for her own, but she "passed" on the opportunity. I held my tongue. Not so sure about rushing in to it - the ear piercing.
Living communally: told another friend today that we are expecting "a friend" to be moving in with us later this year. mentioned it too @ Gma's. responses~ neutral, but weight seemed to be toward positive and supportive.
Running: mentioned my "goal" to friend/barista. she was supportive. i was doubtful.
Heartfelt letters: stumbled upon a site for "inspiration": Letters of Note
Tattoo: Looked at many bare branches juxtaposed against today's variant sky, searching for a linden tree.
Beauty rest: now.